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Jaundiced Spirit

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[28 Jul 2003|09:58pm]
so much of me has not strived to meet its potential
but the part that's trying keeps failing

How can I find the finish line, if I don't know where to begin?

college apps are around the corner...can't believe it..

*EXCITED*
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[24 Jul 2003|06:26pm]
[ mood | energetic ]

I went out wakeboarding, YAY!

I played my guitar for a while, I officially know 10 chords by heart...I AM STOKED..I could play a bunch of songs RIGHT NOW! But Ben won't come over and help me get my strumming down pat, which is annoying..oh well, andrew will be home in a few weeks and he'll help me all year on it like he said....cause he's un genio de un mente magistral......riiiiight

stokedfulness...I'M GOIN T' COLLEGE!

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[23 Jul 2003|09:37am]
SO I'm back home in Vz, and it feels wonderful.. I woke up this morning and learned a few new chords, and then just started jamming...my hope is that I'll have all of these chords down pat in a few weeks and I can start writing my own music...I LOVE IT!!!!! AHHHH!! This one guy at kamp, was 14, and only had played guitar for a year, and was better than anyone I had ever heard before....he was just playing on a SIMPLE ACOUSTIC!!! awesome..

So, I had a good long chat with one of my friend's mothers yesterday about abortion and stem cell research and that geek week of a camp that I went to back in June....it was great...looks like I'm not as right wing as my parents, which is comforting....anywho...

I look forward to these next couple of weeks...I'll be deciding which schools I shall apply to and what major I will be pursuing. It's all so exciting because I'll be at one of those colleges for the next 4 years of my life....and, well...It's definitely something good...

while I was at camp, I got a lot of alone time with God, and He's been helping me transform my walk with Him, to be the most efficient each day... I kind of set up each quiet time like I would a meeting...I lay down all the important, convicting things on the table first, we talk about them, adn then see what we can do about them...then we talk about all the other little trivial things that I seem to struggle with everyday....mmmm...yum yum..

I feel so good about things I could SO cry right now...I am planning on opening a wicked web site of pictures....Everytime I meet someone they start asking about Vz, and "what is it like??"(usually in a strange texan accent) and I reply,"If only I had pictures, then I wouldn't have to tell this story 126 times per summer."...yeah...

I have a wicked hard schedule this year...and I'm not exactly thrilled...I'm just trying to challenge myself, and press myself to see if I can handle it...I''ve never really done this before...though God has put me in some very challenging dispositions (such as where I live) and I've overcome it's cons....I plan on dping well this year, and I don't normally fail myself, so this will be interesting....

I think I had the best summer of my entire life, despite the 53 hours in the car....I'm so excited for what God has in store for me this year..Good or Bad...I'm ready (to ask for His help, that is) for anything that comes my way...
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[05 Jul 2003|10:30am]
[ mood | frustrated ]

career searches feel bogus...but their doing me more good than not thinking about it at all.....

my dad is pressing graphic design or architecture....he thinks I'm good at....RIIIGHT>.....I think he just wants me to become an architect so that I can design and build his retirement house on our property in Tejas....BOGUS....

yeah.....I need God to just TELL me what I'm supposed to be, all of this searching has gotten me NOWHERE>.....

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Lowsyana [04 Jul 2003|10:43pm]
[ mood | uncomfortable ]

the 4th of July....I was thinking tonight about so many things....like, I was just in Yorktown, VA, and my cousins live about 100 yds from where they fought the last battle to gain our Independence from the Brits...and yeah...I think that's crazy awesome...

I went to go see a pyrotechnic show over on the river through Shreveport, LA...and I was thinking of my last couple of 4th of July's....last year I was in Purgatory, CO.....scary...and the year before, with Cameron, and hmmm....I think it was Alex, Jon, Matt, and Brian....hmm..the two things I remember about that, was that it was right outside an ice cream place, and I had done cameron's freshly dyed hair that night.....hmmmmmmmm

yeah...as I was sitting there, watching the fireworks explode in the dark, vacant sky....my mind wandered over to Someone....thinking of how it would be, if we were with each other tonight..and wondering if he was thinking the same thing....*sigh* I am such a girl.....but you know..it's OK

*another sigh*

If only I could live somewhere, and be with Someone for a long time.....but things are how they are, and I can do nothing to change them. It's all in God's Will, and I know it's how it should be. If he doesn't understand, then it's not meant to be....*bleh*

Yeah....I'm gonna go back to my room and strum to my thoughts, and maybe come up with a wicked song or something....lol...that'd be awesome...."girl writes wicked song after owning guitar 2 days".....what a story..

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[03 Jul 2003|06:05pm]
[ mood | ecstatic ]

Today I went right into Zeagler's Music for the (2) time and I bought it!!!!! I bought THE ONE....It's an Acoustic electric Alvatraz and WOW>>....all I have to say is WOW>....So, it's black, with sunburst and a cutaway, and it's a solid wood top...it as such a rich sound...and elixer strings...THE strings......oooooohhh..I am sooo stoked....

Guitar
boy
s'mores
music
yay

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[02 Jul 2003|10:42pm]
[ mood | blah ]

yeah, I don't update very often, why? because I rarely have time to get online to check my mail AND update...

*SIGH*

I've been on the road for the past 4 days or so after presidential classrooms, but that's ok...I've been getting to visit with family and such before I go to camp in CO...

So I met someone, at PC....He's in the CAP in Cali....yeah...we've uh....been "talking".WHAT AM I GETTING INTO???? long distance??? it won't work, we'll be writing letters our whole lives....but hey...I'm not saying it has to go anywhere, it'd just be nice for both of us, he's a special person, and I would LOVE to get to know him on a deeper level...

BIG SIGH....I wanna run outside adn scream just because I can, but the mosquitos here in LA will eat me alive, bad news!!!! scary bloodsuckers...

Someone asked me if I am a model...it made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside..

SO, I got to meet with my texas representative, Sandlin, and about half way through the meeting, I found out he was a Democrat...he started saying things like, "Them republicans," and "Mr. Bush doesn't know what he's doin..."lol...noooo..but he was very very against what's goin on...

who else is surprised to know that there are Democrats from TX in politics??

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[20 Jun 2003|09:38am]
[ mood | cheerful ]

Last night I broke down my pride streak and read my Bible...Psalms 27, 63, and 40...they were super encouraging...I prayed for a passion each day to dig into His Word and give it all to Him....I can do it....

on another note...I feel like I've gained 15 pounds! **thankfully I haven't** but since I got to the lakehouse...all there really is to do...is eat!! nasty nasty...I decided if I am ever to snack again...it'd be on fruit...I can't take much more of this tastykake business....

I'm all drugged up on musclerelaxers for my neck..so I've been takin 2 hour naps everyday and going to bed at 8...lol...It's AWESOME!

anywho....I go to PC tomorrow..WAY excited...I get to wear business clothes for one WHOLE week! YEAH!!!

yeah....

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[18 Jun 2003|03:41pm]
[ mood | grateful ]

SO, I went kneeboarding yesterday at our Lakehouse in PA(wallenpaupack) and I busted...about 2.463 hours later, I couldn't move my head...especially down or to the right, and it hurt more than anything I had ever felt...I went to the doctor, but it took much persuasion of the receptionist to let me in, and he gave me a prescription for muscle relaxers and some ibuprofen to help me out....he said pulled most of the muscles in my neck and I can't wakeboard or kneeboard or anything for about 3 weeks..DARN!!

Yeah...I'm better...much better...out of much prayer and tears, I made it...in those kind of situations I feel totally out of control, and I hate it when I feel like "why did this happen to me?" but anyways....

My spiritual life is still lacking...it's been a nice getaway this week up here in the poconos..I plan on doing some heavy bible reading/meditating when I get back to the house....

I went thrift store shopping yesterday after my trip to the hospital, and bought this sweet jacket and a teal shirt....rockin!

welp...NYC was all I'd hoped for..we went to the Empire SB...and then to Rockefeller square...time square...and we ate at seredipity's....

welp....all is good..all is good........

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[13 Jun 2003|10:01am]
[ mood | anxious ]

SO, I told him...I told him that I admired him, and that he's made an impression on me over the past couple of months, and I did it in the most non-scary way...I said nothing has to happen, I don't even need to know how he feels, I just wanted to let him now from me, because everyone and their mom has told him already....so..I also said that I don't think it's affected our friendship so far(me liking him) and that it doesn't need to change, if that's how he wants to keep it......of course......

anyways...everyday I get a mixed message from him.....which is super-frustrating.....I love being around him, and when we're alone, things are awesome...we talk more, he's more attentive....but when we're at school and everything.....things are weird, adn awkward all of the time....

I really wish that he could come out adn say what he thought of me so that my emotions can be releases from this anxiety.....It's kind of unfair for him to be so mysterious....

I leave tomorrow for NYC....I'll be there for a couple of days...then I'll go to Tafton, PA...to our lakehouse...then to DC for this presidential classrooms, then to CO for Kanakuk.....I can't believe it's been about a year since I started LJ!! A year ago I was in CA making memories with my best friends ever, and with him....that was probably one of the most fun visits I've ever had....Cali is my home.

I'm looking into buying either an ovation, or a fender acoustic....it's going to be pricey....but definitely worth it...I'm stoked..

Do you ever have one of those times when you just have to make out with somone?.....that was my quote freshman year.....lame.....

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[12 Jun 2003|06:37am]
[ mood | content ]

Not last night be the night before I was lying in bed listening to Weezer- Only in Dreams, and I was thinking how perfect everything was just right there....either it was because my bed is so frappin comfortable, or I was really just in a euphoric state...

I watched part of pulp fiction that night, too....weird

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[09 Jun 2003|03:58pm]
While turning on my lamp in this room I caught my nail on a broken piece of plastic near the switch and it cut the skin under my nail....It hurts like crazy...

I just spoke with my best friend, in CA....she's awesome, and I miss her like insane....

I am SO wanting to buy a surf board so i can do some serious damage on some waves this Christmas....I don't think I'll be able to make it back out to Cali this summer, so my only chance is if I make it over to margarita ( una Grandisima Isla/Estado que esta en Venezuela)..

My sister is watching the great Mouse detective..what a brilliant movie...
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[08 Jun 2003|12:12pm]
[ mood | irritated ]

I'm trying to find some majors that interest me
Boy, do I hate taking personality quizzes. Why can't some magic college fairy wave a wand and say, "Your major is going to be ****** and the colleges you should apply to are ********"

I'd be so happy, I'd go and make chocolate chip cookies...yum

but no....skanky collegboard..........

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[08 Jun 2003|09:14am]
[ mood | blah ]

SO last night I went to this surprise going away party, and I officially nominate it as one of the lamest of the century...

HE came over beforehand to chill and play cards and such....he always "acts" like he's hitting on my sister to make me mad, because he always looks at me to see my reaction...I guess from now on I should seem indifferent, and maybe he won't do that anymore....

8:30- I drove us to the party and, well....I was super tired, so I didn't feel like doing something or being myself, so I too, was lame....Though last night I SO wanted to be with him, but just about everytime I came into the same room as him.....he'd get up and walk out....either I had bad timing, or he had no reason to stay in the room....bummer major....

11:30- I decided to go home, and yeah...I'm glad I did..

11:31- in bed, trying not to think about how pathetic I am...

what do I do? It's so hard to be myself around him...this is not good...suggestions needed....I don't think he can stand me sometimes...

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[07 Jun 2003|02:06pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]

I went on a bike ride, to get away from mindless planning. It feels good to get outside after a long day of being in....I want to see casablanca....

I want to go sit outside on my balcony and get alone with God. I don't know where to begin after so long of being away. It's like when you haven't seen your best friend in SO long, and they want to hear everything about what's up with you, but you have NO clue where to start, so no progress is made.....I don't know....I need that push to get me going....

There's nothing like chocoalte ice cream with strawberry slices....

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Anberlin [07 Jun 2003|10:29am]
I think one of the first things I'm going to do when I get to NYC is go to a music store, and buy the Anberlin CD that has been out for about a month.

I have another livejournal address. selaguerre

I think this one is outdated.
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imprints [04 Jun 2003|10:38pm]
I like a boy.....he's different and exciting...shhhh...tell no one.....

I went to go see Matrix 2 with him....it was fun...we stayed after to watch the preview for Matrix revolutions....

YAY.....
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war cry [19 Mar 2003|11:54pm]
The USA is currently deploying a mission to disarm Iraqi forces in Baghdad.

what to do? I think that this is a just war, but why did people have to get so stubborn?

Famous quotes on War:
" Men love war because it allows them to be more serious .
Because it is the one thing that stops women from laughing at them . "

John Fowles
" The military don't start wars . Politicians start wars ... "

General William Westmoreland

" War is Hell , and life becomes a sin ...
when young men must fight the wars
that older men begin ... "

Bobby Zimalis

I can't handle the truth any longer. Will someone please lie to me?
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kanakuk, best friend, and God [06 Jul 2002|09:48am]
WOW-- it's already Saturday, this week has flown by so quickly....last night my dad showed me a list of really great colleges that we'll easily be able to afford, and he told me that if I'm going to graduate a year early, I'm going to have to get my act together and start thinking about where I want to apply, because I am starting this fall!!! When I really started to think about as I was TRYING to fall asleep, I got kind of scared and excited, almost bewildered that this time in 2 years I could be already finished with my freshman year in college, and still not even be 18 yet....WOW....yet another exciting thing popped into my head, I could be done with my Bachelor's, adn be headed off to my Master's, ......oooohhh...fun stuff, eh???? GOd, well, He's my Lord, my life.....I am nothing.....CAN do nothing, BE nothing without him and his help, I have to have hgis help to breathe, have a beating heart....it's amazing....I can't even type these letters without him behind me....I knwo that this is helping me and or another person, why else would I be doing this??? SPreading God's awesome love and glorifying Him wiht the word's He puts in my mouth, it's what I wa made for...Instead of watching summer catch with my sister, I'm here, typing...

I went on a walk today up the side of this mountain outside the resort I'm staying at, funny, but I'm staying in Purgatory,CO.....yeah....scary stuff....lol.....

Cameron, my best friend....the closest I've ever had, We've developed strong personalities together, and helped each other grow soo much stronger in our faith in Christ...though we've had our fallen times, we've gotten back up with a new strength as best friends...I must admit, June 9th arose some feelings I didn;t know i could feel, soo close, soo innertwined with someone else, though, it feels like it's so complicated, it's also soo simple, just let things happen, spur of the moment, like, the 21st....even after our newly announced friendship...or however you would call it, words, so overrated sometimes...

Sometimes I feel so confused about the way I feel, and sometimes it's so clear, Somehow I try to make excuses for my confusion-like my age, 15, soooooooooo young, but then again, I might be heading off to college in about a year, I'll be a jun ior next year....ti doesn't add up......

soo many memories in such a small box
misplaced somewhere along the way
I seemed to have found the trail I lost
back to where I once stayed
dissipation is not a word I know
but new found love that only grows
day by day I see your face
................................................

I laugh at myself sometimes....you would think that after meeting so many people I would learn to not be soo attached to new acquaintances and friends....I already miss taylor, ryan and well....a few othe rpople I met around the beach....

funny stuff.....

out for today....I;'m going to kanakuk colorado tomorrow for 2 weeks...a christian sports camp...I;m sooooo excited....my sis and I spent a lot fo time together decoratring trunks we bought for camp, and just packing and stuff....wow.....decorating is way too much fun.... I'm leaning back towards interior design....not quite architecture....I want to be more focused on where the home grows from, inside....

I'm dissappointed, no service in the mountains, or signal for cell phones, I would have called cameron sooo much earlier...I'm going to call him in a sec...he's prolly at church...but I HAVE to talk to him....tlaking to him helps link me back to the life I had in CA....kind of still have....but CA is my home, if only for a short while, but it means everything to me...I fouond myself there.....always will love it there....not to mention my new found obsession wiht surfing...out
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cameron... among other things [03 Jul 2002|05:39pm]
hey well....this is my first entry...cameron got me started...

I'm confused...God send me mixed mumbled messages that are so clear, clear that I can finally se what He wants for me, but I won't take it even though it's finer than any diamond, I keep turning away and mocking his creation by trying to "make it better" only making it worse..you can't make something God gave you better....He can give you the talent ot turn something He gave you in the first place to something radical, glorifying, and unchanging... God id merciful, period...

I so want to grow more, and I've overcome some things recently that have and will allow me to, but some temptations, struggles, make it hard, not to mention the things we wish were there but aren't...

god is merciful and Forgiving...he's my Great Manhunter and Navigator...

out.
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